Thursday, March 5, 2009

kiss from a rose...

i'd like to say that i haven't been alright because of the state of the country and the economy, how i've been feeling like i'm hanging onto my job by a thread, etc. but that wouldn't be totally true and i can't lie...anymore. for reasons too numerous to go through now, i can just simply say that i have not been alright for a while now.

things really started to unravel during the last few months of my grandmother's life. it was all so touch and go for almost a year. i'd tried to prepare myself but you're never really ready for the day. i watched the strongest, most active, independent and industrious woman, person i knew, decline to the point of being confined to a bed and unable to speak. my heart would break daily for her. when i was alone, i allowed myself time to grieve selfishly. my grandmother raised me. she loved me in her own way and taught me all she knew so i'd become strong and self-reliant. up until then, i thought i had been a good student but secretly i wondered if her lessons would be enough without her there. after she passed away, i held up and carried on my daily routines. i had to. but as time when on, what i realized as my facade started to crack. to the untrained eye, i was multi-tasking as usual. but i'd become unorganized and lost. i honestly don't know if it was pride or the bitter thought that no-one would or could be there for me, no matter how many times i had come through for them, but i kept everything to myself. it oozed out at times, creating waves in the otherwise calm with my boyfriend, straining an already tentative relationship with my son's father and causing me to withdraw from my family and friends. then at my lowest points, i eventually reached out for help but in most cases, it was what i feared. most people don't really know how to help the helper. so i went back to doing what i used to do best - managing with whatever i had, not allowing myself to want more or expect anything, making myself as small and unobtrusive as possible, hoping that drama would pass me by.

i continued to try to do as i had been raised but usually wound up doing whatever would get me by. i used most, if not all of my resources until i felt like i was running on fumes. i had been running on empty for so long that it didn't take much to throw me. i only managed to pull myself out long enough to go to work with a semblance of a smile and not scream on my staff. i took care of my son but often pulled away from him because i felt guilty that i couldn't do more for him. i engaged in a dangerous push-pull with my boyfriend, everyday wondering if this would be the day i succeeded in pushing him away.

i was a mess. i am a mess, alternating between spinning out of control and paralyzing myself with fear and doubt. but today, i was stopped by a smile. an older woman, dressed in all white and carrying a walking stick, told me that god told her to tell me that everything will be alright. she was not one of the people i regularly pass by my job. i don't recall riding the train or bus with her. she wasn't one of my former clients and i don't think she attends my agency's senior center. in fact, she said that she had never seen me before and probably wouldn't again but she wanted to let me know that she loved me and that everything would be ok. her name was rosalee. my grandmother's nickname was rose.

6 comments:

Janelle said...

There are signs everywhere. That was Grandma Rose's way of letting you know that you will be alright because she has already given you everything you need. She believes in you so you just need to believe in yourself again. I have faith that you will pull through.
All the best! And I'm sending up a ton of prayers for you.

btw...I love that Seal song. :)

Maryann said...

sister, sister, in so many ways we share so many things in common. Let me start by telling you that God carries his children and I know we question our creator and sometimes it takes alot to believe, but just keep in mind that you are not alone and by this I mean God doesn't give you more than what you could handle. I saw your strength and bet assure you kept me flowing when I was smacked down by those I thought was on my side. so I do believe that God sends us Angels when needed to be. You may think that you are so alone because when it happened to me that is lost my grandmother the one who raised me believing that I could conqueor anything that I wanted I thought I would be all right and guess what I was so selfish that I was wrapped up in my own little get high world that I never went to see her on her dying bed. Not knowing that those would be her last days because I thought she would live forever. Today, I still hurt because of my failure of not being there. But guess what I know that I definitely gained an Angel because immediately after her death two years later to be exact, I lost my mother. I really thought that I would die being that we were just alike in so many ways. I share this with you because if you ever need a friend, to hear you out I'm here and you are defintely a strong woman and your grandmother lives in you so I just want to say that it has been a real pleasure meeting Rose!!!!

VOD said...

Sorry for not seeing this sooner. Glad you felt comfortable enough to discuss this. Wishing you the best.

michael a. gonzales said...

i read your reply to my story
all i can say is wow
that was very nice of you
how have you been...
i read the post you wrote about your grandmother...
believe me, after dealing with various deaths over the years
i know how hard it can be
write me again if you want to talk...
stay strong

sincerely,
michael gonzales

Delilah said...

Who knows how to help the helper? I thought about this deeply and the answer in my spirit of course was the Wonderful Helper. Check out a movie called The Wackness. Sometimes we're so used to being there for others we don't know how to be there for ourselves...

asha said...

and that has been my problem. after forgetting to take care of myself, i found that i didn't even have the energy. but, thankfully, i've made and continue to make progress. i'm re-evaluating relationships, letting go of draining/toxic ones and building new ones. there's more but maybe i should just post a new blog instead of posting a comment.