oh no he didn't!

i really shouldn't admit to this but i log into my e-mail and onto facebook as soon as i get to work. the mobile version is good when i'm on the go but if i have access to a full screen, i want the full-on experience, even if i'm at work. yeah, i know, trifling. i have a set list of sites and blogs that i read as i sip my morning bustelo. yesterday, i hadn't even gotten to said list because a headline on facebook grabbed my attention. it read, "if you're a big girl, changes are you're a slut!" WTF?! no, but seriously, WTF?!?! i immediately raced to parlour magazine's site and didn't even bother continue reading on facebook. my government is on facebook and i wasn't sure if i would mind my manners when i commented.

"...Fat girls’ self-esteem is so low that 99% of them will let a dude go raw, take it in every hole and not complain too much cause they don’t want to lose who they think is their man.”

“Fat girls have nothing to loose. They want the attention of a man bad enough that they will sell themselves short.”

"...I think all women are nasty. Especially fat ones. They are all sluts.”

wow. WOW! check out the whole article here. the author, the single girl, seems to be agasp too but it led her to dig deeper. now i understand that topics are posted to generate discussion but i was so taken aback that i had to catch my breath. if you know me, you know that i am not a small woman by any means. i am about 5'7"/5'8" which is a little above average and buxom to say the least. i've been called thick, full-bodied, "big gal", voluptuous and "brickhouse". i'm pretty sure there were more names but i usually leave 'em floating on the wind while i keep it moving. although most of my friends don't consider me a bbw, i am also not a size 10. i'm somewhere comfortably in between at a size 14/16. comfortable for me, most days. but i always rep for the big girls so after i gathered my wits and calmed down, i responded.

"...yeah, i’ve heard this before. just like i heard this about dark-skin
girls. or girls without daddies. or girls who feel they have too much or too
little of whatever. women with low self-esteem will accept all kinds of trifling
behavior. the thing is all plus sized women do not have low self-esteem.
however, society tries to get women to believe that they should feel bad about
themselves if they are not a size 6. just like you should feel bad if you can’t
be described as honey brown or didn’t grow up with your father or live in the
hood (like any of these things are your fault). and even when we know better,
that concept gets perpetuated in how we interact with each other. that
dark-skinned, chubby girl named shaqueda gets treated like a statistic, even
before she makes the mistakes that lead to high-risk status.

you questioned whether a woman’s weight was related to her feelings of self-value. well, of course it is but it’s not the same for everyone. i don’t know about you but if
i’m not feeling how i look, i’m not really in the mood to be touched. and not
everyone overeats when they’re feeling depressed or whatever. some don’t eat at
all. so, are there conversations going on about slutty anoxeric women?! the
whole conversation just reeks of misogyny. (sidenote: some gay men are more
misogynistic than straight men…out of envy, i think. i would take everything he
said about women with a grain of salt.) if the roommate was slim, would the
slutty behavior still be such a problem? weight is just another excuse to treat
women poorly."

so much more needs to be said but i didn't want to blog in someone else's shit so i brought it here to TGOTG. what say you?



thanks: parlour magazine

moving weight to pushing paper...

ok fam, "stringer bell" has a legitimate 9 to 5 now. my favorite brit, idris elba, has now joined the cast of the office. if you're not already watching this show, add it to your dvr list. it's so f'in funny without any of that corny-ass laugh track. check it out if for no other reason than to see idris clean shaven in a suit...and off the block.

thanks: nbc, wireimage

kiss from a rose...

i'd like to say that i haven't been alright because of the state of the country and the economy, how i've been feeling like i'm hanging onto my job by a thread, etc. but that wouldn't be totally true and i can't lie...anymore. for reasons too numerous to go through now, i can just simply say that i have not been alright for a while now.

things really started to unravel during the last few months of my grandmother's life. it was all so touch and go for almost a year. i'd tried to prepare myself but you're never really ready for the day. i watched the strongest, most active, independent and industrious woman, person i knew, decline to the point of being confined to a bed and unable to speak. my heart would break daily for her. when i was alone, i allowed myself time to grieve selfishly. my grandmother raised me. she loved me in her own way and taught me all she knew so i'd become strong and self-reliant. up until then, i thought i had been a good student but secretly i wondered if her lessons would be enough without her there. after she passed away, i held up and carried on my daily routines. i had to. but as time when on, what i realized as my facade started to crack. to the untrained eye, i was multi-tasking as usual. but i'd become unorganized and lost. i honestly don't know if it was pride or the bitter thought that no-one would or could be there for me, no matter how many times i had come through for them, but i kept everything to myself. it oozed out at times, creating waves in the otherwise calm with my boyfriend, straining an already tentative relationship with my son's father and causing me to withdraw from my family and friends. then at my lowest points, i eventually reached out for help but in most cases, it was what i feared. most people don't really know how to help the helper. so i went back to doing what i used to do best - managing with whatever i had, not allowing myself to want more or expect anything, making myself as small and unobtrusive as possible, hoping that drama would pass me by.

i continued to try to do as i had been raised but usually wound up doing whatever would get me by. i used most, if not all of my resources until i felt like i was running on fumes. i had been running on empty for so long that it didn't take much to throw me. i only managed to pull myself out long enough to go to work with a semblance of a smile and not scream on my staff. i took care of my son but often pulled away from him because i felt guilty that i couldn't do more for him. i engaged in a dangerous push-pull with my boyfriend, everyday wondering if this would be the day i succeeded in pushing him away.

i was a mess. i am a mess, alternating between spinning out of control and paralyzing myself with fear and doubt. but today, i was stopped by a smile. an older woman, dressed in all white and carrying a walking stick, told me that god told her to tell me that everything will be alright. she was not one of the people i regularly pass by my job. i don't recall riding the train or bus with her. she wasn't one of my former clients and i don't think she attends my agency's senior center. in fact, she said that she had never seen me before and probably wouldn't again but she wanted to let me know that she loved me and that everything would be ok. her name was rosalee. my grandmother's nickname was rose.