the writing's on the wall continued

i haven't posted in over a year and a half.  so much has happened during that time.  so much - i changed jobs like 3 times all within the same company. i had to close a program down and lay off staff in this terrible economy again, all while my family was experiencing economic troubles.  i was diagnosed with hypertension (like really dangerous hypertension - 192/115) and i found out that i was pregnant.  pregnant and almost 40.

i've wanted to blog but either i was torn about how much to share with the internets or i just didn't have enough energy. of course i've been reading blogs (mostly about fashion) and leaving comments but that was easy.  it wasn't an emotional task for me.  each day that i would click on blogger to catch up on the latest trends and who's wearing what, i would feel a little twinge of guilt that i wasn't not putting any energy into what i claimed to love.  i wished that i could express my passion like my favorite bloggers.

a few days ago, one of the fashion bloggers that i just started following left a comment on one of my posts, the first "writing's on the wall" post.  her willingness to share such intimate parts of her life on my blog touched me.  it forced me to respond and so here i am.

@ Style4Curves, i am so sorry for your losses.  i know that this sounds cliche, but maybe it wasn't your time.  as a fellow chronic planner, i  had to learn the hard way several times.  i had planned almost every step of my life with at least three contingency plans for each step.  so of course, i stressed over every detail and even more when things didn't go as planned.  this high level of stress eventually contributed to hypertension, which unfortunately i ignored because i had too many other things to worry about. (it's funny how we pick and choose which signs we pay attention to.)  that diagnosis was one of the wall writings that i chose to ignore.  (isn't is also funny how the writing doesn't disappear simply because we ignore it?  we keep going through the same trial, remixed but the same, until we learn the lesson we're supposed to learn.) one of the most recent times found me on a hospital bed for the third time during my last pregnancy, being told that my hypertension might kill my unborn baby or me or both of us. that is actually a legitimate reason to worry but it was a catch 22.  worry and jeopardize my life and pregnancy or let go and let whatever was going to happen happen.  "let go and let God."  "whatever will be, will be."  pick a cliche but know that it wasn't easy either way.  i had to be reminded that everything has it's own time and order and that sometimes, the order of things is not going to be clear to me.  i had to learn to trust - trust myself to know that i am resourceful and resilient enough to be ok no matter what happened and trust that the powers that be/my higher power/God had a plan for me.  that plan is still unfolding for me and it hasn't been all happily ever after but i am happy.  

now back to you,  maybe it wasn't your time.  maybe planning everything is affecting your health and in turn your reproductive health.  i don't know.  i don't even know enough to say that if you stop wanting it so much that it will happen.  what i do know is that you have to learn to be ok regardless.  look at other ways to utilize your maternal energy.  motherhood is not simply giving birth to a child.  there are thousands of children that need a mother.  look into being a foster or an adoptive parent.  explore being a mentor.  use this time to write more (yes, i am THE black pot talking to the kettle) and research ways to make money so that you don't have to be a starving artist.  take this time to step back and look at the writing on your wall from every angle.  what themes have been reoccurring in your life?  as i type this advice to you, i am asking myself the same questions.  but your comment, the literal writing on the wall, has told me that i need to get back to writing.  it's also encouraging me to start studying for my licensing exam so i can charge for my counseling services (see, a way to make money with my dreams).  thank you for sharing with me and thank you for getting me to look up again at the writing on my wall.